Great Humor

Firefighting Heroics

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers, it exploded into roaring flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact." The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the fire.

After two hours of fighting the fire, another department was called in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could bring out the company's secret file.

From a distance, a loud siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced past everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old-timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that, for such a super-human feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the exciting event on film. One of them asked, "What are you going to do with all that money?

"Well," said the 70-year old fire chief, "the first thing we're going to do is fix the brakes on that truck!"

Norwegian Jokes
by Charlene Power, author of
"The New UFF-DA"

Ole came into a lumber yard, and asked for a 4 x 2. The owner asked if he didn't mean a 2 x 4. Ole said he would check with his brother in the pickup. Finally, he came back and said he guessed the 2 x 4's would be ok. The owner asked him how long he wanted them - Ole thought a while and said, "Oh, quite a long time, ve're building a barn, ye know.

Lena had taken a first aid training course and was very proud. One night when Ole came home for dinner Lena said, "Ole, I am so glad I took dat course. Today, dere vas an accident in front of our house. A man vas knocked down by da car, and vas bleeding!"

"Vell, vat did yew do?" asked Ole.

"Vell, all of a sudden," said Lena, "I remembered my first aid training and dat's ven I put my head betveen my knees to keep from fainting!"

Lars and Ole were very competitive. If Lars got a new tractor, Ole got a bigger one. If Ole got a new car, Lars got a faster one, and so on.

One day Ole called Lars on the phone and he said, "Lars, I yust did it... you can't possibly top dis vun. I yust vent to North Dakota and I bought a huge, big farm. It's so big, it took me four days to drive across it vit my car."

"Vell", said Lars, "I know yust vat you mean. I had a car yust like dat vunce myself."

Ole had just taken a first aid course, when he came across sven, who had a cut lip and was bleeding. Ole knew just what to do. He put a tourniquet around Svens neck to stop the bleeding!!!!!!!!

That's anuf!

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Below are some examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight FROM X  to Y. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child ... pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our plane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am, "said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Humor Regarding Taxes

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the U.S. But, I could be just as proud for half the money."
-- Arthur Godfrey

"Conscience is that still small voice that tells you the Internal Revenue Service may check your return."
-- Author Unknown

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
--Albert Einstein

"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
-- Hemon Wouk

"On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away."
--Tom Lehrer

"Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf."
--Will Rogers

The taxpayer is someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
--Attributed to: Ronald Reagan

"Death and taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them!"
--Margaret Mitchell

THE RABBIT, THE FOX AND THE WOLF- A FABLE
Endless Jokes

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the weather. The day was so nice that the rabbit became careless, so a fox sneaked up to her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.

"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my Ph.D. thesis."

"Hah, that's a stupid excuse. What is the title of your thesis anyway?"

"I am writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come to my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You are really crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit into its hole. The fox never came back out.

A few days later, the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to eat her.

"Wait!", yelled the rabbit, "you cannot eat me right now."

"And why might that be, you fuzzy appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my Ph.D. thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves."

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its hold on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you, you really are sick in the head, you might have something contagious," the wolf opined.

"Come read for yourself, you can eat me after that if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went to the rabbit's hole and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the lettuce fields. Another rabbit came by and asked, "What's up? You seem to be very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my dissertation."

"Congratulations! What is it about?"

"It is titled 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes, you should come over and read it for yourself."

So they went together to the rabbit's hole. As they went in, the friend saw a typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the the controversial dissertation was in one corner, on the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left was a pile of wolf bones, and in the middle was a large, lip-licking lion.

The moral of the story:

The title of your dissertation isn't the issue. You have to have the right thesis advisor.

Football Hero
Endless Jokes

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows. Finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular
one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

Bonkistry
Endless Jokes

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a million years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry". He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

So, they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk has told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy". They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw. It said:

(For 95 points) Which tire?

"I Need A Part", She Said,
And She New What She Wanted!

The other day I was in our local auto parts store. A lady came in and asked for a "" cap. The clerks all looked at each other and said, "What's a cap?" She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," a clerk asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says, "Its a Buick".

One clerk asked, "OK, lady, how big is it?" She made a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?", another clerk asked. She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

One of them gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she drew a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she wrote . The guys behind the counter were looking at it upside down as she wrote and they started laughing so hard they nearly fell on the floor. One guy finally said "Lady, I think you want an oil cap."

She said, " Cap, Cap, I don't care what you call it. I just need one, and I don't understand what you think is so funny!"

Can You Identify?

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me".